Monday, June 29, 2009

Too Much Mastication Will Kill You! (or, Will This Razor Chafe My Palms?)

Since my pants were filched by the titans of finance, the luxury of free time has been available in heaps (or “shitloads,” to use the beaten man's vernacular). The endless ass scratching, a kind of secret handshake among the unemployed, reveals my hapless status. And while hours are trashed in self-deprecating pollution – Tostitos feedbag gently nestled beneath the chin – they might also brim with aimless web surfing, laundry, or creative reveries with neighborhood women. Thankfully, narcissism works in fits and starts, thwarting a permanent lapse into feral licebag territory. In other words, I’m usually coherent as opposed to rag-clad, and would rarely be seen, say, shaking my fist at traffic while cursing the fragile labor market. Likewise, I’ve been fairly spry after reclaiming rectal control in the wake of an HR-led emasculation (see "Apocalypse Now" from March 19). Yes, the initial pain is severe, but like everything else in the jobless slum, it converges to a dull pang. Several months later, one can even sit with minimal discomfort.

Delousing weekly – generally with a quick spritz of Ortho Home Defense – I prepare for intense mastication at my mother’s house. Although palms remain hairless, stomach bloats from the inexhaustible cornucopia of chow (pastrami into kiwis into chocolate death cake, to name one such jaunt through the gastronomic gauntlet); akin to stapling one’s mouth against a food conveyor set on hyperdrive. Of course, these gluttonous eating orgies are appreciated as a mid-week pause from crotch-scratching coma. And at this point, any diversion that keeps my hands out of my pants is a welcome plus.

Predictably, mom will recap neighborhood gossip, opine on my dwindling ego, and avow misinformed distrust of the internet, all before coffee and Entenmann’s. If my
laundry was tumbling in the basement, these visits might parallel the rudderless magic of college, sans jackhammer hangover. Yet there I am, a leeching ignoramus, obtaining geopolitical headlines from my mother because notions of keeping informed – the core of an international business career – have become impossibly tedious. These days, you’re more likely to find me hanging in a closet with a rope slung around my genitals than perusing the Wall Street Journal. Yes, I’m the deadbeat charity case stockpiling leftovers from the maternal refrigerator, two steps from assuming residence in the garage with a weight bench and mullet. Well, maybe three steps from the mullet. But in all seriousness, I am almost off the grid. Blissfully ignorant, enormously happy, but off the fucking grid.

Like a drunken romp through 7-Eleven, doggie bag contents on any given week might include pineapples, taco meat, soup, oranges, and (only once) Goya sardines in mustard sauce(?!), bizarrely chosen yet lovingly packed for the favorite son. While the boxed fish stunk horribly – a gift more suited for beggars or church homeless drops – believe me, I’m not complaining. Something needs to offset the troughs of Frito Lay products on which I graze like a famished horse. And since I’m expecting a job offer shortly, I’ve only got a few weeks to burn 200 pounds, hack eight inches off my hair, and replace a spoonful of lost teeth. Those Catholic priests were right. Overly-indulgent mastication will kill you. And I don’t
want to go blind.

36 comments:

Jen said...

First of all, where is your lovely wife in all of this. Has she not lovingly banned all hydrogenated products from the house knowing full well you will eat yourself into a self loathing and induced food coma binge? My husband is gainfully employed and I try to keep the crap in the cubboard to a minimum. The male finance sector ego is a fragile thing. Also, keeping the fingers crossed on you getting that job but does that mean the blog will die a slow death? Now that would be truly depressing.

Suldog said...

You had me until you dissed Goya Sardines. I love the odious things. Mmmmmmmmm. Oily pilchards swimming in not-quite-to-the-standard-of-Chinese-takeout-level mustard sauce.

I have to stop typing. I'm drooling on my keyboard.

MVD said...

"keeping the fingers crossed on you getting that job but does that mean the blog will die a slow death?"

Hey Jen - The blog will exist indefinitely. Of course, its posts may appear with lesser frequency, and since I won't be staring at this PC like a catatonic, the comment replies may no longer be "real time." But yes, I intend to keep slogging along. Hopefully, daily subway rides provide enough material for years.

My wife is asleep at the switch with regards to chips! They should be locked in our (inherited) bedroom safe. We were always wondering what to put in there anyway.

ThaFlapper said...

Oh, EB, EB, EB...I feel you. When TheBar closed I lost all need to leave my wii station...I mean, my house. And I promise, the sardines are not as bad as it gets.
Week two of unemployment: ThaFlapper combines honey dijon chips and salami with light swiss cheese and ketchup on a bed of shredded roast beef, wraps in pita, and sprinkles baco bits and cilantro on top. And I fucking hate cilantro. I actually started to wonder if maybe I was Preggers with the bastard spawn of Senor Welfare. But you know what? That disgusting mixture of food taught me one valuable lesson: I've got a skill to fall back on.

As for de-lousing, BoyFriend has NO IDEA what a slob I've become in my natural state. I have a junk food drawer to hide the evidence, I have how long it takes him to drive to my house clocked to within 2 minutes depending on traffic scenarios. As soon as he calls to say he's on his way, I canter to the shower and scrub the caked on dissipation off as quickly as possible, making sure to load on half a bottle of shampoo so my hair will smell good enough to hide the scent of desperation. We've never been happier.

May I suggest: you aren't truly UnEmployed until you master the pepperoni nose flick, while barking.

MVD said...

"You had me until you dissed Goya Sardines"

You know, Suldog, I brought Goya octopus to work once and practically blew the roof off with the stench. Disrespect like that is grounds for dismissal. I'm surprised they didn't paddle my tush that afternoon.

MVD said...

"ThaFlapper combines honey dijon chips and salami with light swiss cheese and ketchup on a bed of shredded roast beef, wraps in pita, and sprinkles baco bits and cilantro on top"

Perhaps ThaFlapper should steer clear of deli garbage dumpsters when preparing lunch. If you're going head-to-bowl like me, with cretinous disregard of silverware, you're going to want to lighten up on the condiments.

That said, I'm intrigued by the honey dijon chips.

ThaFlapper said...

oh, there was no silverware. The silverware is all facilitating bacterial evolution in the sink. And, only the bravest of lions go there.

Chrissy said...

Aren't mothers grand like that? And I always get a pack of gum or Tic Tacs to keep my breath fresh.

Kudos on the anticipated job offer. If it doesn't pan out, one of my file room clerks quit and I need a replacement ASAP. Do you know the alphabet?

MVD said...

"one of my file room clerks quit and I need a replacement ASAP. Do you know the alphabet?"

Actually, Chrissy, I spent my college internship transporting manila files from one cabinet to another, followed by an intense re-alphabetizing, before labeling everything via the Brother P-Touch. Thank God for that experience. I'd have been a fish out of water in the financial seas without having practically scrubbed urinals for 10 months.

I also know how to change those huge, clumsy Poland Spring water canisters. If anything, that should score me credibility points.

Ron said...

As I'm reading this, you so brilliantly brought back so many memories of when I was unemployed for four months because the store I worked in suddenly close without any warning. In one short day...I had no job.

It wasn't so bad being unemployed, because I knew that eventually I would have a job again once the store reopened. But it was the friggin' BOREDOM that drove me insane. I wasn't blogging at the time, therefore, I couldn't even occupy myself with writing. So all I did was EAT and hang out at Borders for hours, drinking coffee and reading books which I knew I couldn't afford to buy, and using their air conditoning so I wouldn't have to use my own!

Hey...I'm so excited to hear about your job offer! Way to go! And I'm also glad to hear you'll still continue to blog because you would be greatly missed. And you're right, those daily NYC subway rides will definitely provide you with blog topics for years!

Great post, bud!

P.S....now about those Goya Sardines....?????

bluntdelivery said...

oh the unashamed laments of the jobless. sadly, i relate to each sentiment you have described. Except, i have a little more control when it comes to my hands down my pants. Speaking of pants, I am slowly growing out of every pair that I own, which is another reason to continue life as a hermit.

and my mother. oh my freaking goodness. i dont' even have to pay for cable with all the constant flow of news she provides.

but if i accidentally stumble across another Tyra Show, i'll cut off my fingers.

MVD said...

"So all I did was EAT and hang out at Borders for hours, drinking coffee and reading books which I knew I couldn't afford to buy"

Hey Ron - Getting out of the house, even to the mailbox, is something I only started when the weather turned warm. Perhaps I should've passed more hours viewing self-help motivational speeches, repeating "I am a special person," mouth full of macaroni and cheese.

MVD said...

"Except, I have a little more control when it comes to my hands down my pants"

Give it another three months, Brit. You'll get there.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Never has a trip to Mom's been so eloquently told. Sardines, though? Ick.

Good luck with the job search, and if I were you, I'd avoid mentioning hairy palms during the interview process.

Bunny Boiler said...

Fuck, I am distracted now, how the hell did Suldog wind up in here (I'm just having an anonymous trawl, so thought I)..

Oops, got off track - sorry.

Hi. Welcome to the world of the once powerful, up until the kids arrived and trashed my career, reality of us housefrau's (I find potato crisps help). x

bluntdelivery said...

um, but we've both been laid off since november.

are you on the accelerated program?

MVD said...

"Sardines, though? Ick."

If I didn't know any better, Chris, I'd have thought she contracted Alzheimer’s sometime between fruit and dessert. It was bizarre, almost insulting. We never ate like that growing up.

Of course, if my mother buys a bus pass to crazy town, I'm inviting Suldog over to scour my cabinets.

MVD said...

"Welcome to the world of the once powerful, up until the kids arrived and trashed my career"

Hey Bunny Boiler, you sassy lady. If I had kids, I'd probably have sold them by now to uphold my mortgage and auto loan. For a while, I was telling people I'd have eaten them for sustenance, but (a) the joke made me sound deranged, and (b) people who've never been hungry have no right to lecture me on what I can and can't put in my oven.

And yeah, Suldog hangs out in our smoking section, usually providing a witty quip or two (if he's not pining for my mother's pantry stash).

MVD said...

"are you on the accelerated program?"

Absolutely hilarious, Brit. I’m still laughing as I craft this response.

But just you wait. You're going to need another new category name (if not a separate blog) once your train rolls into that station.

Theresa said...

Good luck on the job offer. My first thought was selfish though. "Hmm, if he gets the job, will the blog cease to exist?" But since you've answered that question in previous comments, I'm okay now.

You're not alone...for I too, masticate at Mom's.

Oh yeah...Kudos on your own special side bar over at Suldog's. Perfect title for you.

MVD said...

"You're not alone...for I too, masticate at Mom's."

Funny you mention it, Theresa, as I'll be engaged in a rather intense mastication session at mom's house tomorrow. Hopefully my body can hold up. I'm not 21 anymore.

Out-Numbered said...

Damn you. I just ate an Entenmann's coffee cake.

bluntdelivery said...

ugh. so many new categories... lisa... love letters.... i might as well start a new blog. i mean, what else do i have to do.

p.s. how do i get enrolled in the accelerated program? are there aptitude tests?

Tarra Slovan said...

My blog is related to yours, blog bro!

MVD said...

"Damn you. I just ate an Entenmann's coffee cake."

What the hell were you doing at my mother's house?

MVD said...

"p.s. how do i get enrolled in the accelerated program? are there aptitude tests?"

Unfortunately, Brit, the exams are quite rigorous, with a pass rate of only 60%. One of these days, I may post a cheat sheet or helpful hints on the sidebar.

MVD said...

"My blog is related to yours, blog bro!"

Well, well, well, and to think I'd been ramming my head into this keyboard for 5.5 months without ever stumbling across the Toxic Lady site. Thanks for reading!

Tramadol said...

First visit. So you were unemployed? It's a good thing our moms love us. Although your mom might have given you the Goya sardines as a warning. Like that's all you're gonna get from her if you don't get employed soon. At least my mom gave me Spam.

MVD said...

"So you were unemployed?"

Yes, Tramadol, it wasn't my finest moment, and quite the bitter pill to swallow. That said, I've reassumed my place as a diligent worker bee, cavorting with the 90.5% of Americans who begrudgingly set their alarms each day.

Why the hyperlink to pain meds? Were you friends with Michael Jackson?

Mo to the Hammed said...

hey MVD! hilarious posts seriously LMBAO (laughed my beard off cuz im saudi :P) i read 3 of ur posts so far, and really enjoyed this 1 & middle-easterners. I have a blog myself mo2htehammed.blogspot.com but have no clue how to atract traffic 2 my site (its really slow) & uve outdone urself mashalla. i wud also like 2 follow ur blog but dnt no how and how did u get all these tools and widgets from blogcatalog like viewers and subscription option?

ps. good luck finding a new job, toes crossed cuz im typing :p

MVD said...

"but have no clue how to attract traffic 2 my site"

Welcome Mo! I spent the better part of last winter sleeping around the blogosphere to gain traction on this site and score favor with my readers. That said, you should check with King Al Saud before making rampant booty calls with the Arabian contingent. I'd hate for you to lose an arm or, well, your penis.

Of course, I probably trashed my goodwill by suspending all posts since mid-July. On a plus note, this space should update on a semi-regular-sometime-haphazard basis in the near future.

As for your other question, click the knuckles at the top right to "follow" me (into the rings of demented prose).

Mo to the Hammed said...

haha done!

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