Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Sniff More Stank To Smell More Roses

“That in digesting our common food, there is created or produced in the bowels of human creatures, a great quantity of wind. That the permitting this air to escape and mix with the atmosphere, is usually offensive to the company, from the fetid smell that accompanies it. That all well-bred people therefore, to avoid giving such offense, forcibly restrain the efforts of nature to discharge that wind.”
–Ben Franklin “Fart Proudly (or A Letter To A Royal Academy)”

When addressing matters of waste disposal amidst the nation’s vast lavatory network, The Bastard directs an approving fist pump to those lacking in human empathy. And while your fearless author can tally his lifetime public evacuations on one hand, his rule for anti-compassion dually extends into the private sanctum. Namely, while seated atop the porcelain throne within your own tiled fiefdoms – whether dropping kids off at the pool, bombing a small city, or launching a full-scale nuclear attack – reliance on the courtesy flush should be wiped (with a cushy two-ply) from your psyche. Likewise, the exhaust fan, prissy tool of the fragile and weak minded, must be physically destroyed whether by acute disabling or violent machismo; never to again freshen air in your claustrophobic rabbit holes. This much I expect.

To paraphrase the Urban Dictionary, a “courtesy flush” occurs when a spry Tooting Tom flicks his wrist against the toilet lever (sometimes in panic, but often in a state of zen calm) at the exact moment of aquatic impact. If perfectly timed, one’s deposit plummets into a swirling vortex of non-potable water; breaking the speed of sound for those with burrito-chafed asses. Said flush is also an egregious faux-pas. If you can’t be trusted to let your bouquet waft from room to room without committing seppuku, face buried in dishonor, then you can’t be trusted to relieve yourself in civilized quarters. In other words, sprout some hair on your chest and grow up. Or use the shed out back.

Stripping aside the ability to reason, homo sapiens are simply bipedal apes, sharing 95% of DNA with our knuckle dragging friends. And like other creatures, humans have been marking terrain since a prehistoric Hurk first set fire to his enemy’s mud hut and procreated with the residual females. Modern territoriality, however, is a passive-aggressive creed undertaken with property boundaries, taxes, and locks. But deep in the recesses of the brain, beyond the pansy cultural niceties ingrained at childhood, is a wolf intent on ruling his lair; enclosing himself within a circle of steaming piss to demarcate ownership and exude dominance over neighbors. Be not mistaken, the stink of one’s spoils should be celebrated threefold: as a warning to impetuous prowlers, a celebration of health, and a sexual battle cry drawing together the coital yearnings of both sexes. Like a writer at odds with phrasing, or a musician unsure of pitch, there can be nothing more vertiginous than a person embarrassed by their own stench. It's a natural odor. Why get your knickers in a twist when they’re already slung around your ankles?

If one is to thrive in the melting pot of America, one must stew in every ingredient of its malodorous cauldron. Our country was founded on idealism, on debate, and on democratic overhaul of a system which failed its colonists and fouled its citizens through nepotistic royalty. For the free exchange of ideas to continue, it is imperative that we unblock all senses and remain open to all stimuli. Should a man wish to argue an unfavorable opinion, his right to offend exists firmly in the constitutional alloy. Moreover, should a man wish to express himself on the high bowl of waste dumping, then let that man be heard in both grunts and aroma. Should he prepare his thesis via dutch oven, then allow that proposal to cook pungently at extreme temperatures. When we censure each other, we condemn the very pillars of opportunity which drew our impoverished kinfolk across oceans many generations ago.

That flush lever is an oppressive temptress. Empower yourself. Rip it off.


Chris @ Maugeritaville said...

This is the most literate, detailed, and well-researched discourse on shit that I've ever read. At least since John Steinbeck's little known unpublished manuscript "The Turds of Wrath".

Talk about taking a Sul-seed and running with it!

MVD said...

You know, Chris, sometimes the greatest treasures are those which we produce ourselves. Of course, there was an allegory of free speech running through the piece as well (buried under a few layers of dung, but present if you could sift through the flies).

For all my bravado in this post, would you believe that I insist on crapping with the door closed, even if the house is empty?

Ron said...

Hey, MVD...I wish you could hear me clapping as I finished reading this.

When I first starting reading I thought, "Oh goody...he's going to sharing something about the proper "niceties" of shitting in public." But then as I continued, your words weaved me to a totally different intention.

Brilliant!...and I couldn't agree with you more.

Thanks for sharing your voice, bud!

P.S. I shit with the bathroom door closed too. And I live alone!?

MVD said...

Well, Ron, I wish I could share something about shitting in public, but like I'd hinted in the first paragraph, I've probably done that at best five times in 33 years. Not my style.

But your overall reaction certainly bests that of my wife who, over dinner, asked me point blank: "Are you running out of things to blog about?"

bluntdelivery said...

you know you've dated someone too long when there is a sudden absence of the courtesy flush.

Jen said...

Must agree with Blunt Delivery on that one as having been married now for 15 years. But, I appreciate your finely worded prose. Freedom of expression is more than just a little important. Leave it up to you to weave the rather unpleasant act of defecating into the fabric of free speech. Point well made per usual. Just wish I hadn't read this during my morning coffee and english muffin.

MVD said...

"you know you've dated someone too long when there is a sudden absence of the courtesy flush."

Actually, Brit, you know you've dated that person too long when an absence of their smell makes you feel incomplete.

MVD said...

"Leave it up to you to weave the rather unpleasant act of defecating into the fabric of free speech."

Hey Jen - I apologize that your timing (breakfast) wasn't optimal to swallow a load of shit on free speech. That said, yes, I was pleased to note that defecation, as something to which everyone can relate, makes great analogies.

Anonymous said...

Unless someone wants to experience the sight and smell of my lunch before it's had the opportunity to make it all the way through my digestive system, there are a few people to whom I would suggest keeping a window cracked, or kicking on the exhaust fan!!

MVD said...

Perhaps, Anonymous, you should vary your lunch intake. A trough of beans or several shots of Tabasco could become trying for your colleagues. In any case, let them all roast.

Pam said...

You're not right.

MVD said...

Oh, I'm perfectly "right." In fact, bathroom habits in this abode are down to an exact science. My bowels work around my schedule, not the other way around.

People would pay for that kind of control, you know.

Chrissy said...

No blog is truly complete without a post, or two, about pooping.

MVD said...

Agreed, Chrissy. I felt a bit off-balance without having posted something in regards to the collective societal anus. I'm not really a proctologist, I just write like one.

Theresa said...

A post about poop! Now you're talking. Wish my posts about poop were as thought provoking. You are the master.

MVD said...

I believe, Theresa, that you have a great pooping post to openly dump on the blogosphere. It may not be today, or tomorrow even, but it's bubbling up in there.

Sometimes it takes a bit of practice to get the right consistency (of words).

JPac said...

A very impressive analysis of the societal aspects of pooping in public. Having been in many public bathrooms before, I can tell you that Im often overwhelmed by the predatory emotions of all those who had dropped the Cosby kids off at the pool before me.

Great writing by the way. I just started my site and it'd be awesome if you could give me some tips or hints.


MVD said...

Thanks for checking out this dump, Johnnie. More times than not, I'm dropping off full-grown Cosby adults, but that's my problem, not yours.

An important factor to keep in mind when writing is the recognition of one’s voice. Don't pander to the masses. In time, your natural audience will arrive (and hopefully grow). Write for them and only them. Those that don’t “get you” often never will.

Johnnie said...

Thanks for the advice man, i'll certainly keep it in mind.
Looking forward to your next update

MVD said...

"Looking forward to your next update"

The next update is UP, my man, since Sunday. Unless, of course, you've tuned your Google Reader to only feed my Essential Bastard bathroom posts.

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