Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Bom Chicka Wah Wah: A Guide To Sleep, Sex, And Roof Damage

I sleep like a rock. Through thunderstorms, meteor showers, and airplane collisions, I sleep. When burglars pistol-whip overnight guests and nuclear reactors explode into dust, regular appointments with the Sandman remain unbroken. After all, what kind of fool wants his forty winks interrupted with the stress of a radioactive holocaust (or a smoldering jet engine crashing through the kitchen ceiling) at three in the morning? I’m lucky to aim correctly into the toilet bowl at that hour. Tangling with hazmat suits and fire extinguishers require, at very least, a bold cup of French Roast coffee to fully uncross my eyes. If forced to navigate a blazing fuselage before measuring out water and grinds for the Krups machine, it’s going to be one hellacious morning for everyone in my circle of trust, including surviving passengers slumped over the table hoping for breakfast. And while I fry an exceptional omelet, uninvited guests can be an irksome breed. In any case, prior to my career as an unpaid blogger (before writing ideas danced like sugarplums through all hours of the night), mind entered dreamland when head met pillow. No sheep. No bonbons. No Ambien.

My wife, on the other hand, passes the overnight hours flipping like a wounded fish. And while it’s often more distraction than comfort, the white noise of the television buzzes endlessly, as visions of man/mosquito hybrids from the SciFi network loll her droopy lids into a shallow snooze (see “Shame” for more on this). But yesterday, presumably bored with dialogue-bereft paeans to insect mutation, she soaked up an Oscar-caliber offering on Skinemax; also dialogue-bereft, unless you count the coital groans of a woman and her psychologist as paramount to story arc. Skinemax – for those donning chastity belts – is the late-night programming block on the Cinemax movie network, viewed through scrambled lines by curious children in the 1980s, and in crystal clear quality by masturbating perverts, university drunks, and sexually adventurous couples in modern times. And, of course, by my wife, used exclusively as a sleep aide. Because nothing says “restful slumber” quite like softcore pornography.

Perhaps it’s the X/Y chromosome differential, but my wife, cute as she is, cannot comprehend the lack of plot in said films. While men are easily satisfied with a few reverse cowgirls and a piledriver money-shot, women actually want to know why the UPS driver made a second delivery, or the reason the plumber needed to lay pipe with an extra long hose, on Sunday no less. Early forays into skin flicks did attempt some measure of dramatic design, albeit flimsy, as evidenced in ‘The Green Door’ or ‘Deep Throat.’ However, by eschewing literate college grads in lieu of hirsute miscreants and three legged anomalies, the industry churns out thousands of plotless gonzos each year at massive cost savings. When a mattress, an office desk, and a rotating cache of uniforms can afford a group of sub-tier pelvic pumpers the luxury of San Fernando Valley villas, expensive props and fancy location shoots become superfluous. Put differentially, a man teasing the weasel will not enjoy fast-forwarding through ten minutes of middling hospital dialogue or, dare I say, a romance-choked dinner of chocolate fondue set to flamenco guitar. Wah pedal solos and immobile cantaloupe-sized silicone generally meet requirements. Cue wooly moustache for 1970s throwback effect. Repeat with acid washed jeans and blazer for 1980s nostalgia. If the viewer truly wants to operate his brain, there are plenty of CGI-congested popcorn flicks where truck explosions can be dissected six ways from Sunday.

In any case, I’ve got to get back to my kitchen, as I’m still patching the roof from the latest asteroid pelting. Adding insult to injury, a few lingering airline passengers are demanding lunch. Maybe I’ll throw in a porn to keep them occupied while I tie up loose ends with the police. Over a bold roasted coffee, of course. Until next time: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite, and may the next nuclear disaster occur at least one town over from you.

42 comments:

bluntdelivery said...

i find that since i lost my real job, i can't sleep worth crap. i wander to bed at 4 am at the very earliest and my mind too, races with all the amazing discoveries that you find strewn about my blog.

unfortunately, i don't have cinemax or shinemax to lull me to sleep. but i have to disagree with my chromosome.. i could care less about the friggen storyline. thats not why i'm here.

MVD said...

"but i have to disagree with my chromosome.. i could care less about the friggen storyline. thats not why i'm here."

If by "here," Brit, you mean this naughty little corner of blog land, perhaps you returned to make sure I didn't accidentally fry my torso when attaching the cables. In which case, the concern is appreciated. I'm alive. The piece wasn't ghost written by a friend.

However, if your statement was in regards to adult film, then every man on this site is giving you an enthusiastic thumbs up.

bluntdelivery said...

haha. i actually WAS referring to the adult film industry. I'm sorry, I'd forgotten all about your fried torso... i was distracted by the cinemax talk.

bluntdelivery said...

p.s. you always have to make it about you, dont you?

MVD said...

"you always have to make it about you, don’t you?"

Yes, I'm a spoiled rotten crybaby with empathy issues; thumbs in my ears and stomping the floor. On this page, it is always about me, even when I say otherwise,

Sorry for distracting you with the late-night Cinemax chatter. I may have spawned a worldwide run on Shannon Tweed movies. I'll pull things back for the next entry.

Danielle said...

Perhaps it’s the X/Y chromosome differential. I would also disagree. I actually talked the hubby into skinemax for the SOLE purpose in wjich you are refering to. It's great for when hubby is away. Short and to the point.
Glad you are still alive and kicking. Pictures my friend. Pictures

Theresa said...

"...a man teasing the weasel will not enjoy fast-forwarding through ten minutes..." Give me a break. A guy usually can't get though five minutes of a skin flick before he wants to have life imitate art. Ten minutes my foot.

Anyway, good luck with the roof...and the guests.

BTW...You, my friend are a true hero! Willing to sacrifice great physical pain, not to mention your nipples, in the name of science and devotion to your readers. Kudos MVD!

Theresa said...

Sorry, meant "endure" great physical pain and "sacrifice" your nipples. Ugh! Again with f**king up the punchline.

AlpHa Buttonpusher said...

Making a plotless movie like that is just a waste of money methinx. Make it a 15-20min video, throw all you got in there and everyone is happy, right?. (as long it doesn't break any natural law ofcourse lol)

MVD said...

"It's great for when hubby is away. Short and to the point."

And here I was, all these years, thinking that women connected with romance, foreplay, and sultry dialogue in their onscreen obsessions. Seems like a gigantic vibrator and a "Debbie Does..." flick straddles the sexes equally.

That's right, I said "straddles."

MVD said...

"Give me a break. A guy usually can't get though five minutes of a skin flick."

Hey Theresa - Have you never dated Sting? The man makes tantric love for 24 hours with grape leaves, massage oils, and various kitchen accessories, synchronizing every movement to bad jazz. And that’s before his erection. Skinemax is only the appetizer in that love den.

MVD said...

"Make it a 15-20min video, throw all you got in there and everyone is happy"

Actually, Alpha, while I'm far from an expert on pornography evolution, I believe the reel-to-reel treats from the 30's and 40's were exactly as you described. The Museum of Sex in New York offers a virtual cornucopia of knowledge on this topic. Although their exhibits are small, I found their technique to be quite good.

f8hasit said...

Just hearing about Sting and his tantric sex makes me tired...
I mean, I like sex, don't get me wrong, but 24 hours? Pleeeeazzze.
Never thought of the Skinemax for a sleep aid. I might want to give that a try...I'll write a blog about my research. I'm sure that one will get tons of hits.
:-)

Ron said...

Hey, MVD...first of all I cannot stop laughing at your comment to Theresa about STING! I keep reading it over and over again, HOWLING!

Anway...I totally agree. Give me porn that cuts to the chase. One time I rented a film where the guys were jet skiing on Lake Tahoe for 20 minutes. It was like watching a friggin' Disney film! I had the fast-forward button going constantly!

Im sorry, but I think all porn films should come with a Clif Note version.

Chris@Maugeritaville said...

Why would Theresa bother with Gordo "Sting" Sumner when she already has yours truly? No point slummin' it with the guy who wrote De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da.

MVD said...

"I'll write a blog about my research. I'm sure that one will get tons of hits."

Actually, Nancy, it might finally earn you a slot on the coveted Humor Bloggers Dot Com directory. Pandering to the masses with sexual wit is a guaranteed crowd pleaser.

Not that I was pandering here. Skinemax is a serious cultural phenomenon.

MVD said...

"One time I rented a film where the guys were jet skiing on Lake Tahoe for 20 minutes"

Good Heavens, Ron. That certainly knocks two X’s off the rating. I might understand if they were engaged in an all-night Twister marathon, but a water sports scene is just egregious disrespect.

MVD said...

"No point slummin' it with the guy who wrote De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da"

Fair point, Chris. But since Gordo also penned the amazing "So Lonely," I must negate your argument.

Mi Thoughts said...

Hilarious! Love, "flipping like a wounded fish."

Paul
http://mithoughtsnow.blogspot.com/

MVD said...

"Hilarious!"

Yes indeed, apparently I'm a fucking riot tonight. Thanks for stopping by, Paul. Fight the good fight, and check back often.

Pamela said...

Hilarious, Mike! I loved reading every minute of it, especially the reference to Mansquito. I loved when we had to make earlier dinner plans so the wife wouldn't miss Mansquito on the sci fi network. I feel the same way Kate does, but about every show I watch. There always has to be a dialogue and a reason. Great blog.

MVD said...

"I loved when we had to make earlier dinner plans so the wife wouldn't miss Mansquito on the sci fi network."

Ah yes, Mansquito. If I recall correctly, we’d made early reservations for an amazing Chinese restaurant in New Canaan. I toyed with actually using the name "Mansquito," preparing to insist that it was Italian if pressed. Some perverted bastard leered at us the entire night, I complained about him on the comment card, and the geisha girls up front thought the whole situation was hilarious.

Thanks for the complements! Glad you enjoyed the post :)

Suldog said...

You are magnificently maladjusted. I should have done this earlier, but better late than never: You are being promoted to a stand-alone spot on my sidebar, up there with Mauger, Magazine Man, etc.

In other words, your check cleared.

(No, other commenters, not really. It was earned on merit. This son of a bitch can WRITE.)

MVD said...

Much appreciated, Suldog. For a while, I was actually blackballed from my campus bookstore after passing some bad checks, so it's nice to know that certain accolades still rely on merit. I'll assume I'm listed in nothing smaller than a 48pt Times New Roman, of course.

DouglasDyer said...

Oh my God, I'm turning into a woman! I recently fell asleep watching Skineimax. Of course I had chugged about a dozen scotch and waters so maybe I'm just turning into an alcoholic. Sigh of relief.

Jen said...

The female comments regarding Sting are so true. I do not know any woman who has the energy or the time let alone interest in a marathon session. After thirty minutes I would be checking my watch and wondering when this show was going to get on the road. This is why porn flicks need not have any plot. Let's face it, it just gets in the way.

MVD said...

"Of course I had chugged about a dozen scotch and waters so maybe I'm just turning into an alcoholic."

Well, Douglas, at least you're cutting the drinks with water, prolonging the health of your liver. Perhaps the rhythm of ape-like grunting from the television acted like a soothing metronome.

MVD said...

"After thirty minutes I would be checking my watch and wondering when this show was going to get on the road."

Hilarious! The visual of watch-checking and deep sighs while hubby force feeds you grapes or drips hot candle wax onto your head is quite amusing.

Poor Trudie Styler. Forced to endure 23.5 hours of her husband's pretentious bullshit before the rocket ship launches.

Tiggy said...

I saw a porno recently (purely by accident, you understand) where the lead characters delivered their lines and advanced the storyline WHILE they were doing the nasty.

It saved a lot of time, and plot was not sacrificed to action.

MVD said...

"lead characters delivered their lines and advanced the storyline WHILE they were doing the nasty"

How very efficient, Tiggy. If Ron's porno pals had delivered their lines while boffing each other on jet skis, I'm sure he'd have laid off the fast-forward too. Of course, jumping from different stick shifts at 50mph is downright insane.

Chrissy said...

I have no patience for pretend plots, either. In fact, I don't even want them to speak any complete words.

MVD said...

"In fact, I don't even want them to speak any complete words."

If they just grunted and spat at each other like gorillas in heat, would your appreciation for the genre skyrocket, Chrissy? Once you start tithing a percentage of earnings to the local novelty store, they’ve got you.

ThaFlapper said...

EB, you once again prove that I have much to learn about life. I never even thought to use porn as a sleep aid. Right now I just take two Ambien and fight it until I hallucinate and act like a Zombie. My friends have even developed a little game around my sleeping habits, where whoever can either A) get me to say more than monosyllabic, one word responses to questions or B) find a way to "tune-in-Tokyo" me without me seeing them wins a 40 of Steel Reserve. Isn't it wonderful to have classy, mature, reliable pals? Such a relief in life.

Anyways, up until now, I've only made use of porn to facilitate what I like to call PIRATEFEST, which is the movie marathon event of the summer. Few bottles of rum, marathon Pirates of the Carribean, Cuththroat Island, Shipwrecked, and PIRATES (the porno). But as a sleep aid?!?!?! GENIUS. I'm going to my local adult store right now, may I dream of Pizza Deliveries and the Catholic School system!!

-ThaFlapper

MVD said...

"find a way to "tune-in-Tokyo" me without me seeing them wins a 40 of Steel Reserve"

Hey Flapper - If I knew tuning-in-Tokyo scored me a 40oz of Steel Reserve High Gravity during my college years, I'd have attempted communication with an entire United Nations' worth of countries.

Sweet dreams. Don't order the extra sausage unless you're feeling adventurous.

Matt Shea said...

Mike, it seems you're living an early draft of the script to Donnie Darko, replete with porno highlights. Unfortunately there's no such channel here in Australia, so I don't know my Booby Guard from my Budapest Booty Fest, but we do have SBS, the multicultural broadcaster, and their selection of eastern European movies can be titillating if you don't read the subtitles and remain disengaged from the pesky human drama.

MVD said...

"we do have SBS, the multicultural broadcaster, and their selection of eastern European movies can be titillating"

Well, Matt, while we don't have access to that Eastern European treasure trove, there are plenty of Hispanic channels offering scantily clad Latinas in perpetual states of heat (or, in "Charo lookalike contests," as Chrissy once noted). For this monolingual author, the flustered dialogue is always expendable.

And thankfully, no traces of Frank The Bunny in the bedroom, early draft or otherwise.

Out-Numbered said...

Dude. I think you might be insane.

MVD said...

"Dude. I think you might be insane"

When I start snoozing off to the hardcore stuff (whether DVD or live action), then you can come back here and verbally flagellate me.

Yes, "flagellate." Sounds a bit dirty, but surprisingly not.

VE said...

But they always use such clever names for real movies like "Mad Max Beyond Thunderbone". Come on...that sells it right there...

MVD said...

"But they always use such clever names for real movies like 'Mad Max Beyond Thunderbone.'"

Very true, VE. While plot may be an order of last priority, creativity abounds in the titles: Star Whores, Legally Boned, Riding Miss Daisy, and Sperms of Endearment have caused many a schoolboy to snicker. Stir in a dash of silicone and a dollop of Ron Jeremy, and you’re golden.

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