Friday, January 16, 2009

Environmental Love Hole

Today I woke up, took a shit, and slugged down a gallon of unleaded coffee; Tasters Choice instant blend, for those taking notes. I know I promised not to bastardize this forum with full-throttle diary entries, but I also feel responsible for allowing a certain transparency into my daily routine, lifting the proverbial curtain on occasion. To the detriment of some, no webcams will be installed in this manse, or wrapped around my head. This is the fortress of unemployed solitude, not a funhouse where I do handstands for blog hits and ad revenue.

On a brighter note, I’m happy to have received positive feedback on my bottle recycling plans. The gentleman who so greatly approves of my intention to bank coin while saving this polluted earthly hellhole is a Connecticut-based hapkido warrior / accountant with a bad back. The man is addicted to bottle recycling. He wants to make love to bottle recycling. It’s an illness – worse than my autodidactic tendencies to catalog music or play air drums – as sadly, it disrupts his social calendar on an excessive basis. He is a married man, but his true mistress is the can machine, haphazardly tucked away in the nether reaches of your local supermarket, often marred by broken glass and engulfed in an avalanche of garbage; sloppy, boorish, and in this particular case, emblazoned with a big neon “Fuck Me” sign above the input hole. Those who approach this abomination do so with a lustful twinkle. They are either (a) white trash, (b) geriatrics, or (c) shaggy-haired Greenpeace activists with IMPEACH BUSH bumper stickers on their shitbox Volkswagens. Dating the can machine is the equivalent of dating a paraplegic. She ain’t pretty, but she ain’t going anywhere, and she might even pay to play. Yes, bottle recycling is my friend’s dirty laundry, his wicked bitch. Well, that and his inclination to disrespect a Norelco beard trimmer by using it on his lower person. Poor Norelco beard trimmer, forced to lacerate a snarled Vietnam jungle twice weekly without the advantage of Agent Orange.

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