Monday, January 19, 2009

Sedentary Office Fool (or, Beware The UPS Loading Dock)

Buried on page 6 of a redundant and harrowing job description (for a financial position, mind you):

“Factor 8 – Physical Demands
The work is mainly sedentary in nature. Typically, the employee may sit and do the work, but there will be some walking, standing, bending, reaching, or carrying light items.”

OK, let’s take a step or two backward, shall we? No one assumed this was touting the opportunity of a lifetime to kick boxes around on a UPS loading dock – ill-fitting brown shorts in tow and lit cigarette dangling – while smacking the random ass of hardy female colleagues. Said differently, the posting refers to a risk management position, not a UFC contender slot. Really, if anyone other than Stephen Hawking applies for this job and gets hives at the mere notion of reaching for pens and trucking a few sticky notes from cube to cube, they probably need a psychiatric evaluation and a proper flogging. Or a new metal helmet. Or a punch across the face (sorry, is that harsh?). On a plus note, and in all probability, “Factor 8” implies that I have the luxury of performing said office duties on a chair (or stool), as opposed to, say, standing on my head or on my manager’s head, or at the top of a fucking flagpole.

And anyway, if I’m up against Hawking, I’m probably trolling the wrong job board … in the wrong universe. Or my metal helmet is screwed on too tight.