Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Let's Bomb China!

What are you doing next Saturday? No plans? Great. Let’s bomb China! Right off the map. None of this tactical nonsense. I’ll call my contacts in the shadow government and get the ball rolling immediately. Can I pencil you in from 10am to, say, noon-ish, after which we can grab some lo mein or pork-fried rice? No really, it’s my treat.

Nuclear non-proliferation be damned, I’ve had my swallow of black gold at $145 per barrel, and frankly – as a driver of two automobiles which require premium gasoline, not to mention a home in the northeast which is lovingly encumbered by the necessity of oil heat – those bothersome 2008 fuel costs may become a price floor once everyone’s been foreclosed upon and fired; thus signaling a nadir from which to retool, reinvest, and rewitness skyward-stretching commodity values.

From a geopolitical standpoint, soaring energy costs (observed before the housing and lending markets pulled an inverted headlock lungblower on capitalism) can be attributed to the emergence of once destitute third world nations. China in particular. As these countries began feeding the two-pronged beast of America’s import obsession and credit reliance, their GDP’s ballooned exponentially, translating into an increased need for energy to keep their river dumping, black lung inducing, ozone ripping, sasquatch-sized carbon footprint stomping, Industrial Revolution-era factories in full production swing. In other words, when we were buying, they were selling, and our greenbacks were sparking a Far East economic prominence to be celebrated like a year-round Chinese New Year bash, with enough fireworks to warm the heart of every noodle slurping Communist.

China’s been meddling in economic impropriety for the better part of a decade. When they weren’t nudging the balance of payments fulcrum – whistling nonchalantly as they forcibly kept their currency weak and their exports inexpensive – tilting our country’s (somewhat improved yet still disastrous) trade deficit, they were ignoring their infrastructure to the detriment of a massively impoverished populace. In this sense, consider the hypothetical carpet bombing a lesson learned, a proverbial slap on the wrist from a hard-boiled enforcer who is none-too-pleased with frothy commodity bubbles. And I’ll consider it a savings in my own wallet when the demand for oil from an extinguished superpower ratchets down to nil, just like the good old days of Mao coats and bicycles, when your old man could fill up his Cadillac V8, pump his wife full of six kids, and send them all to college, financially assured. If we need to start importing our tainted pet food, lead-based toys, and counterfeit drugs from another budding IMF hellhole of unhygienic proportions, I’m sure India or Russia would rise staunchly to the challenge.

You’re looking a bit pale, so perhaps I should elaborate on my background. After all, I’m certainly not one of those conservative right-wing nutjobs with a bible belt securing my jeans and a gun rack above my fireplace, quoting scripture in your public schools and asking for God’s mercy when I hear about free condom distribution, stem cell research, or illegal immigration. I’m just an ideas guy with no political axe to grind. And please, don’t bore me with this drivel about “consequences.” What if they retaliate before we completely destroy their armaments? What if we kill thousands of innocent civilians? What if it upsets the international community, and we have to wear a dunce cap at future G10 meetings? What if the (remaining) Chinese stop financing our low lending rates by ceasing their mammoth US Treasury purchases? Honestly, do your homework before regurgitating inane criticisms like that. When has this country, ever, in its storied red white and blue history, really thought through the long-term consequences of international policing and initiatives of global force?

Well, good, so you’re on board. See you Saturday. This fortune cookie is predicting a monetary windfall within the next year.


Blunt Delivery said...

if there's one thing i hate with a loathing passion, besides Neil Diamond, it's all things oriental. Anything to do with that region of the world is a pain in my ass. When are people going to realize they are going to eventually blow us off the map?

MVD said...

Well, I hope to hell that the "communications satellite" which Kim Jong-Il is threatening to blast into the skies isn't going to rain napalm on Tokyo or Honolulu.

Never trust a man with a pompadour and shoe lifts.

Suldog said...

But... But... Will I still be able to get lobster sauce, fried rice, and egg rolls? Your answer will determine my course of action.

MVD said...

I've always been more partial to spring rolls, but exceptions can be made. And there's a pint of Tsingtao with your name on it if the mission is successful.

Jen said...

There are other regions of the planet that could stand becoming parking lots as well. Take a look at my post "Goat Grabbing or Idiots on Horseback" under On Another Note. It speaks for itself.

MVD said...

Hey Jen - According to your post:

"Buzkashi ... is the national sport of Afghanistan and it involves moving a headless goat carcass from the middle of the field and depositing it to a scoring area."

And we thought cockfighting was bad in the states. It just goes to show what inferior education, sparse internet connections, and abject poverty can produce with a bit of imagination and some roaming stallions.

Anonymous said...

I'm concerned about the disclaimer... don't let them get too used to that... personally I loved the labels; Asians, Economy, rants...yup that says it all...

MVD said...

Actually, the full roster of labels is categorized along the sidebar, under "All These Useless Choices." Should you have in interest in, say, "Steve Perry" with a side of "sex toys," it makes for easy navigation.

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